2/12

"I'm not ready to make nice,

I'm not ready to back down,

I'm still mad as hell

And I don't have time

To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right

I probably wouldn't if I could

Cause I'm mad as hell

Can't bring myself to do what it is

You think I should"

Dixie Chicks, "Not Ready to Make Nice"

I cheered last night when the Dixie Chicks won Record of the Year at the Grammies. I personally love this song, although I struggle with staying "mad as hell" at anyone other than myself for more than 20 minutes or so. Well, that isn't exactly true because I'm excellent at holding grudges and never letting someone forget how they wronged me. It's just the actual yelling, screaming and silently seething part that I'm not very good at.

I wish I was better at that, to be honest.

Thordora mentioned in her post today that she feels all emotionally clogged up. Her anti-depressant isn't letting anything come out and I understand how that feels more than most people. Sure, my recent hormonal surge caused me to cry every day and oddly start producing breast milk again. Sure, that was weird as shit because - really - I'm pretty sure having your breasts ache after crying isn't a completely normal reaction. I admit all of that.

I'm back to my normal routine of, "Just get through this". Just find a way to make it through and not fall asleep at your desk. I'm so tired all the time. So worn out. Even in the midst of a new person coming into my life, I can't garner much motivation to do anything. My sex drive has never been this low. I keep looking at West Viriginia and apologizing for how I feel, but I don't know how to change it.

All of the "shoulds" keep kicking in, this time about a new relationship. I should want to have sex with him more. I should feel better about myself. I should appreciate that he's into me and all of the compliments that he gives me (even though it secretly freaks me out, especially when he said he was going to call last night and didn't).

Zac will at least be happy. Everytime this week that he's been in room with West Viriginia and I, he starts to cry whenever we touch. It doesn't matter if it's as something as simple as putting his arm around me or his feet on my lap. Zac will start to cry and immediately walk over to me and demand that I pick him up. WVa had to move his feet so Zac could sit on my lap and glower over at his "competition" for my affection. He's never been like this and, honestly, I don't really know what to do.

He's jealous and it reminds me of those dogs that will jump up in between people when they start to hug or kiss. Some dogs will bark so loudly that the humans jump apart. My son - he just cries and looks miserable. I don't know if this just the developmental stage he's in or if this is a side effect of him being raised by only one primary caregiver.

Have any parents with partners ever experienced this? Do children freak out about affection within the bounds of a committed relationship or do I need to be more careful about the men that Zac gets introduced to? My Mom (who doesn't really want me to date), hypothesized that Zac senses that I'm in a new relationship and is concerned for me. When I was crying over Mr. Tugboat, he would start to cry as well, for no other reason than his Mommy was crying. After Mr. Tugboat, he got me all to himself. It seems like he doesn't want to give that up and he especially doesn't want me to cry anymore.

Can you tell that I'm blaming myself for everything today? It's just one of those days.