6/30

Well, one of my daily reads just had his beautiful babies. Jay and Jazz had twins, one boy and one girl. Benjamin (5 pounds and change) and Olivia (4 pounds and change) were born vaginally on June 29th and both babies and Mom is reportedly doing well.

After looking at the amazing picture of the two munchkins, I couldn't help but adding the two birth weights together and thinking that my giant baby might outweigh these two babies combined. Ha! Beat that. Maybe there is a bumper sticker somewhere that says, "My baby can kick your baby's ass" I would put that on my car. Definately.

However, I don't want to make national news just for giving birth. The "Big Enchilada" baby born in Wisconsin is giving large babies a bad name. The woman was 47 cm from pubic bone to sternum when she gave birth to her 13 pound, 11 ounce baby. Just for reference, I found out today at my OB-GYN appointment that I'm 42 cms and still growing. The doc and I decided that she would induce labor sometime next week for the health of everyone involved. Unfortunately, my cervix is still closed and the baby hasn't dropped further into my pelvis. With this set of conditions, it is highly likely that after laboring for 24-48 hours, I might end up in the operating room with a C-section. At least I get a fighting chance to have Peanut vaginally.

I also found out that the numbness and tingling in my arms and hands is a form of pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel syndrome. Basically, my entire body has swollen to capacity and now the pressure of the baby is starting to cut off nerve endings in my upper torso. If that isn't a good enough reason to use two kinds of birth control before every sexual act, you might be insane.

Maybe I'll start going into low-income high schools and community colleges with a "Scared Straight" message. Instead of scaring kids off crime, I'll scare them out of having unprotected sex. I'll show them every stretch mark on my body and my swollen, purple feet. I'll tell them about how the FOB won't return my phone calls anymore and how I'm thinking about pushing to terminate his parental rights. I'll waddle into the gymnasium and sit with huge belly and tell them that I used to be able to sleep on my stomach or even my back if I felt like it. Life was carefree and included beer. BEER, I tell you!! But then I won't show them my beautiful little miracle, because he's just going to be too darn cute to scare anyone out of parenting.