10/06

Some people do spring cleaning. Right on the cusp of spring, people around the world suddenly feel the need to sweep out their closets for the first time, get rid of the debris around their fence, and welcome the change of the season with wide arms. The feeling can be euphoriant; freer, lighter - emerging with a clearer sense of purpose.

Spring in Houston has the opposite effect on the population of southeast Texas. You can feel the heat and humidity creeping into the air and with a sinking feeling, you begin to prepare for hibernation under the air conditioner. Let me just say that the Houston Livestock and Rodeo Show in April is the world's largest INDOOR rodeo. Even traditional outdoor activies are moved inside for eight months out of the year.

Record high temperatures aside this past week, October is the silver lining out on the horizon for Houston weather. I swept the patio free of dirt and swept all of the leaves out of the storage area, cleaned all of the first floor windows (inside and out), and managed to get all of the laundry off the rug in the living room. This morning it was 68 degrees out, with a slight breeze. Of course, the high temperature of the day made it up to 91 degrees, but MNS didn't seem to mind too much.

Did I mention that MNS came to visit Zac and I??? I didn't? I've been too consumed with stupid assholes saying stupid things to me? Well, that is my mistake.

MNS's visit spurred the cleaning frenzy. She's my first out-of-state, non-family visitor (hi Aunt Jen!!!) and I was more excited than I wanted to admit. So, I cleaned.

Of course, the beautiful weather outside meant that MNS and I were able to take Zac to a park close to my parents' house where Zac squinted and hammed up for the camera, as witnessed below:

Heeheehee, I'm so cute, especially when eating an apple

But, then again, I also got in front of the camera to get some lovin' (although I think he just wanted the apple):

And there was swinging. Much, much swinging to be had at the park (by now, I feel that if you haven't noticed the amazing tie-dyed onesie that Mr. Zac is sporting under the jean overralls, then I should bring it to your attention):

I'm such a big boy. I know.

And we all basked in the attention of Aunt L., who made this weekend special and wonderful:

Baby feet! I'm holding baby feet and you all can't have any!!!!

9/21

Dear Huggies Manufacturers,

My name is Zac. I can't talk, type, or walk yet, so my Mom is writing this for me. Even though I may or may not be developmentally behind other bebes, I am exceptionally good at one thing: making a mess. I make the messes in our household and my Mom cleans them up. Most times, she does a good job. Some days are better than others, you know?

However, she recently purchased a jumbo pack of size 4 Huggies with an apparent defect. The tab on the right side won't adhere to the part of the diaper covering my jo-jo. No matter how hard she stretches, pushes down, or curses at it, the tab keeps springing back open, with disasterous consequences. A couple of days ago, the diaper opened in my sleep and got my ENTIRE crib wet. It was like she had put me to bed wearing nothing at all! I was as free as the day I was born, able to piss about as I pleased, but she didn't seem to like it very much.

Now, while I think this is lots of fun, I'm starting to feel bad for my Mom. I love making HUGE messes by pooping and peeing around the house. My Mom, doesn't really like it. It doesn't give her a fighting chance to keep the place clean in my wake. When she gets frustrated, she's prone to drastic action. By drastic, I mean duct tape. A lot of it.

Fortunately, I don't seem to mind.


I'm just happy that she let me play with her cell phone.

I was hoping that you could stop making such suckie diapers, at least for my Mom's sake. She has her faults, but last night she stayed up with me for two hours while I cried in pain from sharp molars trying to poke through my gums. I mean, really, with all of that going on, does she really have to deal with diapers that won't stay closed?

I didn't think so.

Sincerely,

Bebe of Not-so-Pregnant-in-Texas, Zachary

9/05-2

7/27-2

This is just my biased opinion that my son is really, unbelievably cute.

The working title of this video is, "The reason why we wash our hands and why NSP keeps getting sick" Hope you enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UM1PHZ1C4Cc

I tried to embed the video in this post, but blogspot won't recognize the entire html. Do any techies out there know what I need to do to make it work?

7/23

There are two things that are cemented in my mind after this weekend: 1) My son really, really likes to be naked, especially while suffering from a heinous diaper rash and 2) I would drink much more if I lived with all the members of my immediate and extended family. The second statement is, I'm sure, a shared sentiment among other members of my family, especially when coupled with the first one.

The weekend started out with me getting sick on Thursday and my Grandma (my Mom's Mom) coming in from Seattle on Friday. The sickness has lasted all weekend and is finally starting to wane, just in time for the new week to start. Sucks. Still sucks, even though I said that back on Thursday.

I came down to my parents' house on Friday after work and realized that I managed to leave the digital camcorder at my apartment. When I woke up the second time on Saturday morning (the first being followed by a two hour nap on the couch), I drove Zac and I up to my place to grab some items I had forgotten. The 45 minute one-way journey was to give my parents and Grandma some time to clean up the house before guests arrived without a shrieking one-year old underfoot.

On the way out of my apartment complex, I was backing up out of my parking spot and realized that the strap on Zac's carseat had fallen off his shoulder. Like a good Mom, I reached back to adjust it. Like an idiot, I didn't stop the car first and continued to back up. I heard a loud smack, which signaled that my passenger's side mirror was no longer attached to the side of the car it was supposed to be attached to. It lay dangling by two electrical wires off the car door.

Zac didn't even notice. He smiled and ate another cracker, with both carseat straps firmly on his shoulders.

I started to cry. Not because I was hurt or even that I'm a complete idiot, but because I can barely pay all my bills as it is right now.

I can't afford to fix the giant crack in my windshield - that went from a ding to the Grand Canyon of windshield cracks in three days. I definitely can't afford to fix the mirror (electric, no less!). My gas tank is permanently on full because the floater is stuck inside the tank (which has a great side effect of eliminating any need to worry about whether I have enough gas to make it to any destination. No worries! I always have gas now! It's always FULL!!!). Add to that the fact that no matter how many pairs of pajamas I buy my kid, he always outgrows them faster than I can keep up. I'm seriously considering just putting him to bed naked until he hits puberty.

I don't have an answer for what I should do. There aren't enough hours in the day for me to make enough money to cover everything that I need to cover. I can tell you what I did do, though. I ate cake. Lots and lots of cake, but not as much as this guy:

Followed by some naked time, with a bow on his head:

Capped off with some Harely riding, one-year old style:

All and all, I would say that this big boy had a good birthday. Love you, Zac.

7/17

Quite possibly he has a future as a professional frat boy.

"Hey man, who turned out all the lights?"

7/02

It has been much too long since I've posted pictures of the Z-man. The countdown to his birthday is on - 6 days until he turns the big 1.

Here is a fairly recent picture of him, taken at my apartment:


And I just found this one of him and my Dad, this time from the front:



Then there is the requisite, "happy baby" photo:



"Ahhhh... I'm so happy it hurts. I hope that all of you that have to go to work on July 3rd can be this happy!!!! " Just kidding.

6/9-3

The two men in my life, watching baseball.

You can see the tree in our front yard that is still staked up after Hurricane Rita last year and, yes, I know the two of them look like they came straight out of a scene in Forest Gump. That's why I like this picture so much.

6/9

As Joy Unexpected said in a recent post, this is one of those, "Because I like to think you care" posts. I got a hair cut last weekend and even though I told the woman I was actually happy with my length (see the post a couple of days ago. That was the length of my hair previously), she definately did some major cutting. I like it, though. I had my hair even shorter than this in college and it's been working out really well with the massive heat wave that's hit Houston. I also, at least like to, think that the weight loss is showing in my face. I still have arms the size of tree trunks (which is why I'm hiding them behind me), but that is mostly genetic.

This is Zac doing his best impersonation of a Mongolian communist after one too many toasts involving bad Russian vodka and singing. Just wanted to prove that not every picture of him looks adorable. This one is actually so bad that it's funny. I mean, he's sitting in a camping chair.....MADE FOR TODDLERS! Grandpa bought him this recently so the two of them could sit out in the front yard and watch the kids play baseball in the street. I can only imagine the two of them going to see minor league games or watching a 4th of July parade. Really, the two of them are very, very cute in their boyhood.

"Hey ladies! I've got a hot vest and some cute thighs. Why don't you swing on over to my crib sometime and I'll see if I can entertain you Central Asian style? Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about!"

6/5 - 2

My little piece of heaven:



And part of heaven involves using the couch as a bongo drum:



Just because you can.

6/3

"Mom....why are you going out on a date with a stupid guy? I'm much cuter and sweeter than anyone you are going to meet for the next five years. Duuuhhhhh."

5/28

Here is a video to help lighten up the mood of my recent blog entries:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtkYGyeW1NM

That's Uncle K playing with Zac on our trip up north over New Year's. I just figured out, thanks in large part to my Dad, how to get the video out of my video camera and into my computer. The new laptop doesn't hurt, either. That's Aunt Jen on the side of the screen, telling me what to push on the new camera.

I am back being fully medicated and that has helped quite a bit. It also helps that I took Friday off work to take Z. and I to the doctor so I'm currently in day 3 of a 4 day weekend. At the doctor's we found out that Z. man is in the 25th percentile for height, 50th percentile for weight, and a whopping 75th percentile for head size. (In a bad Mike Myers' Scottish accent), "Look at the size of that kid's noggin' It's huuugggge".

Kind of makes me glad that his head didn't come out my vagina.

5/22

I// spent all weekend at my parents' house and came home to find that my wonderful new co
uch had been delivered. Can you heart the heavenly host of angels singing? Ahh, damn, I love my couch. I love that I don't have to lay on the floor to watch any television show past 8:30pm (a time that no one should be required to sit in a straight-backed chair). I love that it now feels liks "home" rather than, "the sad place that I decided to move into because I didn't want to live with my parents forever". I still have to clean up EVERY NIGHT so the ants don't attack us in our sleep and my wool rug is still shedding so much that the vacuum cleaner works out more frequently than I do. And, yes, I still have to walk to a sketchy dumpster at the end of the parking lot to throw away my trash, but....the place is mine.

Just because it's Monday, I thought I would share my favorite pictures of Zac with the FOB:

Yep, that is my little man, beating up his biological father (No, I can't bring myself to call him his "Daddy". That man is not my child's Daddy) . I like to think he's defending my honor, like: "Why weren't you there when my Mommy was vomitting during labor because I didn't want to descend in the birth canal? Huh? Huh? Yeah, that's what I thought. No answer, sucka. I'm going to hit you and you're going to like it. Biotch"

Then there is this picture:

Yes, the FOB looks like he just finished a two-week bender with a stripper named Candy Cane, a fifth of Jack Daniels, and enough marijuana to make even the hippiest of hippy question whether it was a good idea to take another hit. What I see when I look at this picture, though, are the eyebrows on these two. They are almost identical in shape. Who knew that eyebrows were a genetic trait?

I think I'm going to keep this picture around when Zac is a teenager and wants to rebel. It will be like that old commercial: "This is your brain (an egg). This is your brain on drugs (egg frying in the frying pan." Only with Zac it will be, "This is half of your genetic chromosomes. This is half of your genetic chromosomes after thirty years of drinking and smoking. You decide."

5/15

It must be instinctual that little boys protect their privates. It kind of brings a new meaning to the word, "cup", no?

I just passed my first "official" Mother's Day on Sunday. Honestly, everywhere I went, people were making a H-U-G-E deal out of it. The daycare had a Mother's Day lunch, complete with sandwiches, fruit, and Mother's Day cards from other people's kids, if yours was too young to make you one (my little prodigy fits into that categoy. Protect his privates, check. Cut construction paper into a shape of a flower and then scrawl, "Happy Muthers Day", not so much.) On the radio, everyone kept talking about Mother's Day and then my Mom and I kept talking about it. Really, I thought that I would feel differently about the day now that I am a mother, but I don't. It's still a made-up holiday (granted, one that is celebrated around the world at different times) and I still am wary of setting aside one day to celebrate the other 364 days in a year that a Mom cleans a dirty, smelly, poopy butt. Being vomitted on this morning only hammered it home.

I'm also having a bit of....how can I put this delicately....nope, I can't: breeder's guilt. I've been reading A Little Pregnant's blog. She went through years of heartbreak during her struggle with infertilty and IVF. The only difference between her story and thousands of other women is that her story ends well: she has a son and she is now trying for a second child. I thought about this last night as I finished my first month on seasonale . I have two months to go before I get a period and it is just a little weird, especially now that I'm single again. Don't get me wrong, one of the best side effects of pregnancy and breast feeding was the lack of periods, but it is just hard to imagine that I have to try so hard to NOT get pregnant (the pill and condoms - two is preferable, but one will suffice) whereas other women try so hard to GET pregnant. It doesn't seem fair.

If I could take out my uterus and loan it to women who could make better use out of it, I would.

4-16

In honor of Easter, I'm trying out some new technology of another of Jesus' major milestones. Let me know if everyone can play this in a continuous stream, or if it buffers every few seconds. If it doesn't work, I'll try and find another free website to download video.

This is Zac playing in wrapping paper on Christmas morning, with Grandpa in the background talking to him.

3/1

I've been remiss on my posting of Zac pictures. Here is a fairly recent one, before he started spewing vomit and diarrhea (that is spit up on his collar - totally different). He is so shockingly good looking. I'm not sure what I imagined would come out of an incision in my uterus, but I never imagined that it could model for baby Gap one day.

12/25

The happiest baby ever on Christmas morning - sitting in a pile of paper.

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukah

12/23

A week or so ago I asked the question about whether or not I actually needed to get Zac a Christmas present. I rationalized that I had given him life and that had to be good for at least a year or so on the "gift" front. Besides, if he really got uppity about the whole "gift" thing, I could just start naming my stretch marks after events in his life.

"And this one was your first Christmas...look at how it connects so nicely to the Thanksgiving stretch mark and Valentines day. It is so special. I can't wait to see what your 1st birthday one is going to look like!"

I also joked that any gift that I gave Zac at this point in his life wouldn't nearly be as interesting as the paper it came in. I, perhaps, gave birth to a billy goat. If you try and take paper away from him, ANY PAPER, he will cry like you hit him. He is really indiscriminate when it comes to his love of paper: toilet paper, paper towels, cardboard, and now, wrapping paper.

Here is the proof.
Look how happy he looks, chewing on the paper.

12/13-2

You decide:
1) Jolly fat man in a charming outfit
2) Guy that jumped off his Harley, got in a red suit, and started taking pictures as "Santa" at a downtrodden mall.....

The choice is yours.

11/17

I've been home sick for the past two days. When I say "home sick" that really means that I've been doing things for work, just not at work. I was called twice, both times when I was soundly asleep, by 10:45am. I finally had to get up.

Zac went to daycare, which leaves me in the house without him. This is a fairly rare occurence. Usually when I'm without Zac, I'm either at work or out with my Mom or friend and Grandpa is babysitting. Sometimes Grandma babysits and Dad and I will go out ( I just cannot write "Dad and me" - I'm sorry, but right here and right now, I'm rewriting English grammar). I can only think of one other time, not-so-coincendentally when I was sick, that I was in the house when Zac wasn't. It's a strange feeling. A little like going back in time: remembering what it was like before I had a child and I could wander aimlessly around a house and shower at random.

Of course I lead a different life than I did, pre-baby. Now I'm concerned with antibacterial soap and carpet cleaner. My Mom had sprayed carpet cleaner on (what else?) the carpet and then put Zac down on his stomach to play. When I went to retrieve the babe, he was wet and licking his lips. I blamed my Mom that she had put him down in a pool of chemical sewage that would have him quickly turning into something like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. To say that I overreacted would be to put it mildly. It turns out that he had drooled on the carpet and then rolled in it (hey - who hasn't done that at one point or another?)

As I was wandering around the house this morning, I began to realize how dirty it was. I mean, really dirty and I began to think that Zac deserves better than that. I cleaned until I couldn't clean anymore because my nose feels like it might fall off and my lungs hurt from breathing. Time to go lay down.

To answer R's question though, the little man can sit up by himself with some help, usually in the form of the Bumbo or from me. On November 11th he slept all the way through the night on his own, for the first time. He can roll from stomach to back and when really motivated, from back to stomach. He is started to sprout teeth, but none of them have broken the surface of his gums yet. He's thinking about crawling, but can't get his stomach off the floor and smiles at everyone and everything that will smile back at him. He can also make enough noise to keep himself awake before bedtime. He can also do this:

but only when he wants to.

My little man is growing up.