1/30-2

Sometimes I like to look at people, on television or on the street, even the people at the grocery store or working as a bank teller, and I like to imagine the details of their life. I wonder if they go home to someone special. If there is someone there to hold their hand, to smile when they look at them, to make them laugh.

Then I wonder if their parents loved them and told them how special and unique they were. I wonder if their hearts ache and if they watch television at night and feel lonely.

It's always nights that are the hardest. It's nighttime that makes me want to crawl out of my skin. My heart pounds and I start to feel so scared. So scared by absolute phrases that bounce around in my head and the convey absolute futility. Phrases like start with a pronoun and words like "always," "never" and "forever".

I'll always be alone.
I never believe that I am a strong enough to stand up for myself.
You will never understand.
He always hurts me because I let him.
She has stopped talking to me forever.
I hurt, always and I can't make it stop.

I wish I had an uplifting post in me tonight. I just don't right now. Forever is a long time and there is nothing as certain as always and never. Part of me knows that. Sometimes, the part that makes me so scared doesn't.