I started today with the feeling that it would be a two-post kind of day (Hi April!) . I just got a call from the FOB. I've managed to not talk to him for two months, although the last time we spoke it involved me swallowing my pride to ask for $200 to help cover insurance co-pays and prescription medication costs. Much to the FOB's credit, he sent the money Western Union and I was able to use what was left to purchase a step stool for Zac to get up onto the couch and some extra sippy cups.
So, he called me today to say that it had been a long time since we had talked (duh!) and he was wondering how "the baby" was. Hmmm...well, the baby is no longer a baby. The baby is a full-fledged toddler with ideas, opinions, and desires of his own. He's starting to walk and - Oh, Happy Thanksgiving, asshole. Guess you could have called on the major holiday instead of waiting until I was at work to call.
I know, I know, I could have called him. I thought about it on Thanksgiving. I even debated it with Mr. Tugboat (who said that I under no circumstances should call him. If a father wants to talk to his son, he should call. Since that agreed with what I was feeling, I listened to him whole-heartedly). Zac isn't really saying enough words to make a phone conversation with him anything other than painful for all adult parties. It's fun to listen to him playing and "talking" to his toys in the background. That's about it.
Ugh, the worst part of the conversation was when I asked the FOB why he continues to call at all. I just don't see a point to it. If I told him that something was the matter, he couldn't do anything to fix it. If I said that Zac was a genius with a remarkable ability to fingerpaint masterpieces with his toes, what good what that information do him? I understand the curiousity factor. This child has half of his genetics and looks more like him than he does me (although his smile that lights up his face - that's all me, sucker). I can understand why someone would want to check in on their off-spring, it just shouldn't be half-assed. Either you are in a child's life or you aren't. To me, that's clear. Calling once a quarter should be reserved for stockbrokers and phone solicitors. Parents need to actually show that they care.
He said that he doesn't call more because I "always do this to him". The "this" being making him feel bad for NOT being involved in Zac's life. Honestly, at this point, I want him to leave us alone. When I was pregnant, I couldn't understand how a man could completely emotionally and financially abandon a child. It's done now. It's over. I had Zac and the State of Texas garnishes his wages. Other than $400/month in child support (which I am thankful for) and the very rare monetary gift to cover medical expenses, I don't want or need to talk to him.
Why would I?
Better question: What will Zac ever have to say to him? Dad, thanks for the money this month. Mom bought me a pair of shoes and cooked dinner six days this week. I really like food.
It will be Zac's choice to make whether or not he communicates with his biological father and I won't stop him from talking to the FOB. I just think that will be difficult for him to have a relationship with a non-entity.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
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6 comments:
My sister dealt with a similar situation with her oldest boy. His biological father would call to check on him every once in a while, promise to visit, and then never follow through. She got tired of it and eventually told him that he needed to either be involved with his son or to stop all contact. He obliged for a while and stopped calling but now contacts her every once in a great while to see how the kid is doing.
My nephew has since been adopted by my sister's husband, calls him daddy, and is very happy. He is aware of his biological father, but doesn't talk to him. I imagine someday he will have more questions (especially since he is bi-racial) but for now all is well.
I agree with Tug and you SHOULD NOT make contact. Also he is making up excuses on why NOT to call. He will have answers when he is older, but tell him the truth. Then let him make up his own mind.
Was that a shoutout to me? LOL. If so, I'm touched.
He'll make his own fate. I wouldn't bother calling him. Just update him when he calls, like you did before. He can deal with his decisions now in the future. He wouldn't be calling now if he didn't realize that.
Hugs NSPIT.
And I'm glad to hear nothing bad has happened between you and Tugboat. You had me worried the other day.
April
my two cents - DON'T CALL HIM AND DON'T PICK UP THE PHONE WHEN HE CALLS YOU. if could at all afford to get by without his help i would petition to terminate his parental rights. i'm sure that's not an option however. it's just that i worry that 4 years from now he'll get a hair up his ass to be more involved and try to pull some shit, and b/c he's the biological father he may have some rights.
but i do know that i have no idea what i'm talking about, and i'm not a mom, and i'm not you, and i don't mean to invalidate any feelings that you may still have for him (feelings like nostaliga, pity - i don't mean **feelings**). i just hate the FOB and it PISSES ME OFF that he is even allowed to talk to you. the minute you got in that car pregnant and drove away and he just stood there and let you go - from that moment you have owed him NOTHING.
ok, i'll be quiet now. sorry girl, i just care you, and hate him.
Oh boy, do I know how that goes! My daughter didn't get a call on Thanksgiving from her father and she is old enough now to talk on the phone. His parents called her, but not him. Of course, if you ask him, it is all my fault. I make him uncomfortable and I'm hostile toward him. Funny because when he last called (last Christmas), I didn't answer the phone, I let her.
They have to place the blame on someone else to justify their lack of parenting. It is sad. Thankfully Zac is still too young to have a clue, but they do grow up and figure it out. That is what I have told my ex. I don't care what he did or didn't do to me, but when he hurts her, I get pissed. And I know ultimately this is going to hurt her some.
Anyway, you and Tug were right, it is not YOUR responsibility to make him involved by calling on Thanksgiving. Actions speak louder than words is what I tell my ex, if he cares so much, show it. It is not our job to make them involved.
Hugs!
P.S. I think we may be going out on Friday night to some place on Nasa Road One that has an 80's room. I'll keep you posted. It is a girl's night.
Too true. Your son will be able to draw his own conclusions. You do what you need to do to be a great mom to him (like you already are). The rest will work itself out in due time.
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