Today I'm struggling with the question: "Would it have been worse to continue seeing someone that I didn't feel that gutteral attraction to or worse to let a sensitive, caring, attractive man walk out of my life?"
I'll let you decide for yourself. Here is what I wrote (with some editting for privacy) P. this morning, after he left my house last night. As you are reading this, consider whether or not this is a little ridiculous after three dates:
I'm in an awkward place right now. I want to write to you and tell you how I'm feeling about last night. I also want to crawl into a hole and not get out again. A. said it so well recently when she was commenting about internet dating. Her theory is that since you have no social network in common with people that you meet on the internet, it is easi(er) to "disappear off the face of the planet" because you know that you won't have any casual meetings with that person again at church, Wal-Mart, or your best friend's, friend's wedding. It's an interesting theory, one that I'm mulling over today.
When you left, I felt like one of the worst women - ever. You are a great man and I am unbelievably intellectually attracted to you. You are very handsome and a man that I would proudly introduce to my parents. You like Zac and actively want to be a Dad. Really, I shouldn't want for anything else. If we could form a relationship from e-mail, IM, phone conversations, and evenings snuggling on the couch - I would. Last night, I harbored the fear that you were secretly feeling the same way that I was: your mind wanted to be in a relationship with me, just as your arms wanted someone to hold, but your heart didn't.
So, that's where it comes down to. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I don't regret it, though. I wouldn't trade meeting you, if given the chance.
What are your thoughts?
P.S. - I would understand if you didn't want to respond to this e-mail and instead you decided to "disappear". I hope that is not what you decide. If it is, though, know that I wish you the best and know that a woman would be stupid - really incredibly stupid, for not seeing what an amazing person you are. "