Monday, November 21, 2005

11/21

Can someone please tell me what has possessed my child? He used to sleep wonderfully, waking up only long enough to suck on some boob and then fall asleep. What has happened to those blissful days?

Last night Zac went to sleep around 9pm, then was up from 12-1am and then again from 4am-6am. I was so tired that I forgot I usually wake up around 6am and somehow convinced myself that it would be a good idea to wake up at 7:20am (which is usually the time I leave for work). I'm in a zombie state of discontent this morning. I have no real idea what is wrong, besides being incredibly tired, but my boss actually pulled me aside to ask if I was ok. Hmmmm.... not so good.

Something seems wrong - like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've felt this way all weekend, even though, besides my mild anxiety attack Saturday night, nothing really interesting took place.

Maybe I'm just cranky. The whole family is leaving for Pittsburgh on Thursday to spend Thanksgiving with my Dad's family. Aunt Jen is coming down, sans the hubby, and everyone is very excited to see Zac. It will be the first time that most of my extended family has ever seen me as a mother. Part of me is worried about their acceptance of me as a young, single mother. It is easy to say, "Yes, we support you," at a distance, but much harder to look at a person juggling a screaming four month-old while trying to eat turkey and keeping the dog from jumping on said child and not wonder if maybe she's over her head.

I also like to take naps sometimes. When I wake up, I feel so guilty that I had to ask part of family to watch Zac. It feels like I couldn't hack it, had to call a timeout, and revert back to my selfishishness. No one ever told me that there would be this much guilt involved with parenting.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

TO DO LIST:

1. DROOL
2. ROLL AROUND IN IT.


Excellent ideas, Zac. I will try it at home! Lucky you to have your mom making sure it is hygenic. I think I will be covered in cat hair by the time I finish with #2.

And Zac, how about letting your mom sleep a little more....? Too bad he's not a first year who you can intimidate with the crew team....

-- R

Anonymous said...

Don't sweat bullets over something that isn't worth the effort. You have shown a lot of traits of a good mom. Yes, most new parents need a time out and there is nothing wrong with that idea. Otherwise you find yourself talking to a doorknob.

Jen said...

I think the guilt of ever taking time for yourself is the big reason K wants to hold off as long as possible on the reproduction deal. Don't worry about the holidays, most everyone will keep their yap shut regardless of what they think - and if you don't hear it, you can pretend it doesn't exist :)

p said...

Try not to feel guilty, B! Taking naps isn't a sign of defeat. We all need someone to watch our babies. 'It takes a village' isn't just some cheesy campaign slogan, it's the absolute darn effing truth. I hate the American value of self-sufficiency at all costs. Way to buck the system, B! I support your right to pass the peanut when you need help.

xxoox
-P