11/14

Yeeee-haw! Guess who decided to party Texas style this weekend?

Well, I haven't heard from the FOB since I told him that he needed to earn back my trust before I help him try to move down to my suburbia and be part of Zac's life. He hung up the phone saying that he would call me tomorrow to tell me if he got the janitor job that he was applying for. His idea was that he would work for a couple of weeks, quit the job, and move to Texas. I haven't heard from him since that last phone call. Clearly I'm no longer any immediate use to him.

So, in my last conversation with the FOB I told him that I was starting to date, which is not technically true. In actuality, I'm starting to "think" about dating. Dating and thinking about dating are very different. One of the reasons I write so much about Zac in this blog is: 1) I promised myself that I wouldn't only talk about my child to the exclusion of everything else to my friends and coworkers, but I didn't promise anything regarding writing.....2) It's my blog and I love him and 3) I really have nothing else going on in my life. I can't write about work. My family all reads this blog so I can't write about them and I don't think that they would appreciate reading about how horny I am after a year of celibacy (literally, a year! I haven't had anything more than a chaste hug and a drooling baby on my shoulder since 2004). I could write about my television watching and my views on pop culture and international events, but that would require more thought and possibly mulitple drafts of work. I can only do so much typing with a couple of fingers while pumping my breasts.

But, this weekend I went out the local bar, listened to a good band, drank some beer, and got quite nicely 'chatted up' by an older gentleman. Whether or not I ever here from him again isn't the point. The point is, is for that brief period of time, in a loud, smoky bar, I felt more like a woman than a mother. I can imagine myself being loved and loving someone. I can imagine raising Zac and not feeling the crushing loneliness anymore, with or without a partner.