Monday, August 22, 2005


Honestly, people, my son is breaking my heart today. I added this picture to my desktop and everytime I look at it, I just want to have him in my arms.

He has learned how to make eye contact and now he turns his head when he hears my voice or sees me out of the corner of his eye. When he's nursing, he turns his head up to look at me and we stare at each other. It's like he's latched onto a secret that only we share.

When my sister was visiting Zac and I, I told her about the things that I would change in my life if I could. I said, "I wish I had more confidence with Zac, but I don't." I don't need any confidence to make the day-to-day decisions like whether or not to burp him or whether or not he should ride in his carseat. I mean, the big decision, like: "Am I the best person to take care of him?" Me? Really? This little boy gets me? For the first six weeks, I was pretty sure that there was someone that would do a better job of protecting, interacting, playing, and providing for him. It was especially hard when my sister was here because that "someone" was her. She makes much more than me, has a house, a husband, a dog, land, a steady job, and a loving heart. I've got neuroses about stretch marks, a beat-up Honda with rust stains, huge boobs from breast feeding, and almost every form of public assistance that I can get my hands on.

Well, I'm still sure that other people in other places could do it better than I can. The daycare told me today that Zac had a loose bowel movement and I was like: "Aren't all his bowel movements loose? He's breastfed. Don't they have loose bowel movements?" I have to go home and figure out the answer to that question. But, it the meantime, I get to just keep loving the man that suddenly came into life.

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