Wednesday, February 14, 2007


After reading some of my comments, it's clear that people think I have some kind of karmic debt that I'm repaying to the universe. It's possible that's true. It's also possible that I just don't chronicle enough of the, "Awww....schmoopy, poopy" moments of my life in this format.

Maybe I focus too much on the negative (like a tooth cracked on a conversation heart. As MNS said, what kind of f'ked up metaphor for love is that?). Part of me worries that I'll alienate people that either don't have kids or are struggling to get/remain pregnant if I write about all the cute, wonderful things that Zac does on a daily basis. Part of me thinks that I might hit myself on the foot with a large hammer if I only wrote about my kid day-in and day-out.

I do talk about him quite a bit in everyday conversations. Somedays, it feels like he's the only thing that I've done right so far.

In March, my Peace Corps friends are hosting a reunion. A conflicting schedule in Houston means that my parents might not be able to watch Zac for the weekend. When I asked about bringing Zac with me up to Maine, I was told in the kindest, most sincere terms that it would be better if I didn't bring him to the party.

That leaves me in a bit of a bind. Even if I flew with him (which I promised to never do alone again. I still have some bruises for trying to carry a toddler that refused to walk, a diaper bag, a carry-on bag and a 20 pound car seat while sprinting for my connecting flight 3 concourses away), I would still have to find someone to watch him for me and couldn't bring him into the house where I was staying. If I left him at home with a patchwork of babysitters and friends, I would be worried about him and undoubtedly bore my friends to tears with stories about him.

I'm not sure what to do. Clearly, the simple answer is: "Just don't go" and I'm debating that point in my mind. After Peace Corps, everything went downhill. In New Hampshire, I kept getting fired from jobs for being "too depressed" and I met the FOB and decided to overlook some very obvious drug and alcohol problems to be with him. I abused my body and left my mind to rot. I fought with my family and isolated myself from a number of friends.

Then I got pregnant and I moved to Texas. I started this blog. I lived with my parents and I gave birth. After all of that, when I see Zac walking or playing in the bathtub with his cups, I'm filled with the knowledge that he's the best thing that's happened to me so far. I love the way he holds my hand when he walks and how he gets so excited when I pick him up and let him play with my hair. I love his smile and his laugh. I love the sad face that he gives me when he's working up the energy to cry.

Especially, though, I love how proud he is after he makes a basket:

I'm not sure if I'll go to the reunion or not. I'd really like to and I think it might be good for me to reconnect with the people that I shared so many difficult experiences with. I just know that there are times that I wish I could share the love I feel for this little boy with everyone.


-P said...

I'm sure everyone will understand if you sit this out. It seems fairly impossible.

I love hearing stories about the Z-man and his poo, but you know that :)

Anonymous said...

Your weekend is covered.


Anonymous said...

Provided I get to bring him to work at some point on Friday the 16th. Too many people are asking to have him visit.


Dee said...

I say go to the reunion. You could always make a stop in KC and drop Zac off with me. :)

Pregnant In Texas said...


Sweet! Could you actually imagine have two Zac(h)s in your house for a weekend? :)

You and the Hubby might go insane (although I would love to read your blog entries about your adventures with two Zacharies!

Anonymous said...

Hey NSPIT. . . . you're covered. GO TO MAINE

Pregnant In Texas said...


I got you the first time. I was just laughing at thought of Dee watching two kids for a weekend, both named Zac(h).

Let a woman have a little fun on her own blog, please. Besides, I can't buy my plane ticket until I get that certain tax refund back.

Oh - and of course you can take Z-man to work with you. Doesn't your company sponsor a "Bring a toddler" to work day? Just make sure he's wearing a cute outfit for me.

Jen said...

Hey - just wanted to say thank goodness you're not up here this weekend. I've now got snow piles taller than Zac :) Hopefully another 4 weeks will mean some melting for you.

mynewshoes said...

I see your situation is covered, but I was still going to try to advocate for a 7 sisters northeast babysitting committee. I would love to see both of you again!

That being said, have fun if you go!


Anonymous said...

I am going to be the total bitch here. I don't think you should go.

I think with everything you've had going on emotionally it's not a good idea to bring up a bunch of old feelings. From the other post about the Peace Corps and how badly you felt that you couldn't go back, I just don't think you need to face that right now. Especially with the depression you've been feeling in the not so distant past. I think meeting up with a group of friends is great, but maybe later.

Sorry NSPIT. I hope I'm not losing what I consider a friend I've made. I just wanted to be honest with you. It has nothing to do with your having a babysitter for Z. I worry that you'll come back really down about yourself, and you don't need that right now. But it's not my place to tell you what you do or don't need.

I'm just going to stop typing now. Feel free to tell me to go to hell and mind my own business.


Pregnant In Texas said...


I don't think you are a total bitch at all. Thank you for expressing yourself honestly and sharing how you feel.

Part of the reason why I want to go is that my "aimag mates" are going to be there. Basically, they were the closest Americans to me and the ones that I spent the most time with when I went in to buy food and drink beer. I care about them quite a bit and they took care of me before the worst of the depression. I have no doubt that I will enjoy seeing them.

There are some other tricky emotional situations that await me up there, but I think I can make it. I haven't bought the ticket yet, so I'll have to wait and see!


Anonymous said...

Well I'm glad to hear you've thought it all thru then. Best of luck with whatever awaits you NSPIT.


P.S. Forgot to add in my last post, I never get sick of the Z stories. Especially when they involve the shoe nazi. Those always make me laugh.

P.S.S. I wouldn't wait too late to buy the ticket. I just purchased 2 tickets from Beaumont to Buffalo, NY for my mother in law. Normally they'd be, at the most, 400 bucks each. These were 553 each. Eek. That could be due to them going during Spring Break though.