Thursday, February 08, 2007


Ok, so there were a couple votes for the, "Never Been Married" topic, which might be interesting. I hesitate, though, because much like picking a url that denotes the presence of something (namely an inutero child), picking a blog topic about the absence of something (my lack of marriage/commitment status) might also change.

I can remember sitting across from one of my boyfriends trying to explain that I would never agree to get married until gays and lesbians had the right to marry their partners. I didn't want to support an institution that our government uses to bestow or deny rights and privileges to people based solely on the biological sex of who they fall in love with. Some men get that. To other men, I could have been speaking Farisi while inhaling helium. What I was saying about the cultural discrimination of marriage made that much sense to them. I just figured that I never would get married to a man since I never had the option of marrying a woman.

Much like Pamilia, I'm also not really a big fan of all the accuturements of a wedding. The conflict diamonds, the white dress with lace, the expense and the hysteria that weddings can cause those involved in planning the actual day don't seem to be particularly meaningful symbols to me.

Then the Massachusetts Supreme Court gave gays and lesbians the right to get married, even as Vermont voters were driving around with bumper stickers proclaiming the need to, "Take Back Vermont!" from the ill-begotten stepchild of marriage: the Civil Union. Hawaii had completely reversed its Civil Union policy and only pockets of towns in California were allowing gay marriages, pending review from the California state legislature and judiciary. Then one day, Canada made it ok to be queer and married, even while shivering from the extreme cold and contemplating chopping up the dog house for firewood. That was a beautiful thing.

Yes, somehow, the world didn't collapse when MA started allowing same-sex couples to be joined in matrimony. I found myself rethinking my views on marriage and I realized that it's difficult to give the world ultimatums like, "I will never do...until you..." It's possible and I applaud the people that can do it. I've had to be a little bit more flexible and forgiving of myself.

I could have never predicted that four years after graduating college, I would be a single Mom to an incredibly beautiful child. During my pregnancy, I mourned the loss of my dream of being in a committed relationship and raising a family. I had to forgive myself for my mistakes and embrace the joy and laughter that Zac brings into my life. It was a slowly evolving process to reach that conclusion.

It's the experiences that I've had as a mother and a woman that have forced me to re-evaluate where I stand on issues. "Equal rights for gays and lesbians," is so far from being actualized that somedays I want to look up to the sky and yell: "Why? Why are we letting this go on? Why does it matter to anyone who they take into their hearts and into their beds? Don't we have more pressing issues to deal with as a society?" and then I sigh and once again call myself a hypocrite for letting my coworkers and acquaintances assume that I'm straight.

Yes, I've never been married. To be completely honest, at 26 years-old, I've never even moved in with someone. I've been alone and there are days when I don't want to be alone anymore.


-P said...

Dan Savage says he's sick to death of straight people vowing not to get married UNTIL... So even though I've made that promise too (and even though I made it, in writing, in a personal letter to Governor Romney, the same year gay marriage was legalized here), I am not going to stick to it. Because I do whatever Dan Savage tells me to do!

jenna said...

^who is dan savage?

one of my favorite t-shirts i had in college says, "don't assume i'm straight" on the front, and "don't assume i'm not" on the back.

Caroline said...

I love how the world did not stop because gays can get married in Massachutes. And I haven't heard of anyone trying to marry their dogs like some said would happen if God forbid gays were allowed to marry.

I love that straight people are saying that "we won't get married until gays can". I love the support.

Anonymous said...

Dan Savage is the undisputed heavyweight of the advice column. And any thinking person's go-to guy for sharp analysis on all things sex/relationship. He's also a gay man who's sick of straight people playing martyr and pretending that not getting married until gays can is at all effective/meaningful. Give money to a gay marriage/rights legal defense fund. It's the only thing that will actually make a difference.

Anonymous said...

in fact, i think there's a lot of power in the everyday conversations that straight people can have with other people sparked by the comment, "i won't get married until..." (and as of now i've only heard two people make that statement, so i am curious as to whom the hoards of people are that savage refers to.

sometimes words can be just as powerful in changing minds as money to major organizations. i guess that's why coming out as queer or an ally is just as powerful as supporting the human rights campaign. and maybe, just maybe, people can start doing both.