Sunday, January 14, 2007

1/14

Dear Mr. Tugboat,

This hurts. I feel like I wasn't prepared for how much this was going to hurt, regardless of my own mistakes. The good Lord knows that I've made plenty of mistakes along the way. Mistakes that hurt myself and others.

I never meant to hurt anyone else, especially those that I care the most about.

Yet, we keep repeating the same mistakes with each other. As I said on the phone, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at you. I'm angry at how vulnerable that night made me and how I've been trying to recover ever since.

Maybe I should have written the, "Five Things You Don't Know About Me:" meme so you would learn a little bit more about what I was hiding. There is so much that I hide, even from those closest to me.

I guess there is no time like the present, here is my, "Five Things that Someone That is Dating Me Wouldn't Know" meme:

1) I'm looking for the grand romance. Sometimes, when I'm in the middle of getting to know someone, when I smile when they call, when I feel so special, when they make me laugh, I feel like I'm the best version of myself. One day, I want to be able to find that version of myself without the interest of someone else. I'm working on that. Until then, sometimes when I start dating someone, I think, "Is this it? Is this the romance that I've been waiting for because, good Lord, I've been waiting. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying not to force it. I'm trying. Oh shit, this isn't working. I am forcing it. I suck. I'm pathetic and I suck."

2) I wish with all of my being that I was perfect. I will never be and everyday I think about what I could have done better.

3) It's not just that I like to be held. I like someone to reach out to hold me, to tell me with their actions that I'm the person that they want closest to their being.

4) I'm scared that I won't find anyone that will truly love me.

5) When I'm feeling insecure, I'm ten times more likely to spend time with someone that will find me interesting, appealing, and wonderful, even when I'm not. It's my greatest, most embarassing flaw: my need to be liked.

So, that is it. Here is my heart, laid bare. So unbelievably lame. I wish I were different. I wish that I could not care about anyone. I wish I wasn't crying right now. I hope that in the morning, I'll forget that I even wrote this.

Sincerely,
NSP

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

your openness touch me...you've laid bare all i wanted to say to someone but never got the courage to say them because i am not as brave as you are to admit them to myself much more to someone else...it is not easy to be you, juggling motherhood and the quest to better yourself, however, you are doing a fabulous job at it...far better than most would probably do.

Melanie Marie said...

I have found that the more I like myself and accept myself the less I need to be liked by others. I still want to be liked by others but I don't always feel broken if they don't like me.

Abby said...

I wish I had some grand words for you.

All I can say is that when the time is right and the person is right, it will not be so hard....

jenna said...

what happened, sweets?


btw, i think you just spoke for about ALL of us. thank you.