1/09

I have a rule about posting while angry. Nothing really productive usually comes from a post written in anger. It hurts and once my anger cools I'm left with the awkward situation of either living with my embarrassing post or deleting it.

This morning, it's not that I'm angry, just unsure where to go emotionally from this point.

Last night Blakken came over and we watched the University of Florida kick the ever living crap out of Ohio State last night in the BCS National Championship Game 41 to 14. It was brutal. Instead of watching the game, we ended up eating most of the pan of nachos I made (ok that was me. Sorry Jenny Craig, I'll make it up to you), drinking a bottle of Arbor Mist White Zinfandel (definitely Blakken) and talking. We watched Zac toddle around, playing with his toys and read him the peek-a-boo book that he kept picking up and bringing to us. I had a great time with a good friend. I cherish Blakken's friendship, specifically because it isn't complicated.

I wish I could say the same about Mr. Tugboat. He's my dirty little secret that I've been keeping from the internet. We've been more than friends ever since he dumped me in early December. He said our relationship was moving too fast and I agree, it was. I was more willing at the time to see where the river would take me if I let it sweep me away. The last time I was in love was 2003 in Mongolia and the feelings weren't returned. The last time someone loved me was my senior year of college in 2002. I felt ready for a romance and jumped in. He saw all the swirling water around his ankles and tensed up, stalking angrily back to the shoreline to dry off his feet. Instead of downshifting to a more casual relationship, we ended things completely in theory. In reality, our relationship moved into the grey, nebulous mist of friends-that-like-each-other-a-little-too-much-to-be-just-friends. I know enough about love to recognize that walking down a path with someone under a heavy shroud of mist will leave you feeling damp all over. Usually a blanket and a cup of tea is required to get over that feeling, once you finally decide to go inside out of the weather.

Mr. Tugboat and I decided for the fifth or sixth time on Sunday that we needed to "just friends" if I was going to stay sane. He's in the final stages of a divorce with his soon-to-be-ex-wife. I actually referred him to a lawyer that used to work in my office, who took his case at a cut rate. I'm supposed to be focusing on myself and not dating right now. That's what I said in my New Year's Resolution anyways. Regardless of my best intentions, I kept pulling Mr. Tugboat close, wanting his interest in me, giving my time and my heart, then getting angry and pushing him away when he couldn't give me the affection and attention that I wanted from him. I kept pushing and pulling until I got tired.

It was Blakken that reminded me that the person that isn't getting what they want ultimately needs to end the relationship. Mr. Tugboat was getting all of me and I still felt empty and insecure. I can rationally see what needs to happen. I just need to figure out how to get my heart onboard with the plan. Emotionally, physically, and mentally, I'm drawn to someone that just isn't ready for the kind of relationship that I want. I might even say: that I deserve.

What a shame that readiness for love on one side doesn’t equate to a readiness to nurture that loving relationship on the other side.