Monday, November 20, 2006


I'm back. I didn't really go away, just took a little break from my obsessive internet posting/reading/stalking to live- blissfully unaware of all things outside of my happy circle.

Things are going really well with Mr. Tugboat (neurotic, "OMG, something bad is going to happen with this and I'm going to die a bitter, miserable woman, all alone" feelings aside. On the bright side, the frequency that I have those feelings of panic are greatly reducing in number. I might be actually - gasp - adjusting to being in a functional relationship.) I'm happy with him and I find myself wanting to spend time with him whenever he's on land. He works for four days on the boats and then has four days off. Those four days with him are usually a blur of juggling kids (mine and his), personal time, work obligations, and hyped-up personal grooming. Since when do I feel the need to shower twice a day? Or shave at least once? Or obsessively use body products? Fresh and new is a lot of work. Give me an old and comfortable relationship any day.

Fortunately, I get four days off from dating where I return to my normal state of disrepair and personal neglect. I fart frequently, grow out my leg hair, and refuse to pluck or wax any body part. Zac also gets me to himself for four days in a row, although he seems to like hanging out with Mr. Tugboat. He crawled into his lap the other night to play with a puzzle while I was on the other end of the couch.

For the first time since Mongolia, I'm letting my imagination and heart rule my mind. It's a giddy, heady feeling and I keep waiting for someone to come along and say: "Nope, you can't be happy. You've been doing a really good job of being Miserable in Texas. I want you to stay that way." I'm so good at telling myself that it won't last. That I don't need the complication in my already complicated life. That I'm going to get hurt, AGAIN, and wind up back on this blog complaining about my broken heart. What if I'm wrong though? What if I silence those voices, just for a moment, just a brief second, and let myself actually enjoy this? Whether or not Mr. Tugboat and I work out in the long run isn't the most important thing at this point. I'll still be thankful for the time I had.

That's a beautiful thing.


-P said...

Baby, you and I,
we're just ordinary people.
We don't know which way to go.
Because we're ordinary people,
maybe we should take it slow.
Take it slow,
this time we'll take it slow.


annab said...

you sound great, i'm so happy to hear about tugboat. let's talk soon.

Melanie Marie said...

What a wonderful attitude! Try and hang on to it! :)

jenna said...

sorry - i'm out. come to me when you need bitter, f'em comments. i'm no good at the warm fuzzy ones!