Thursday, September 07, 2006

9/07

I've never had a really good reason to answer people when they ask why, after all of the mishaps and funny, sometimes humiliating, experiences I've had with on-line dating that I still like to see what's out there in on-line dating land. This is especially true while I'm dating someone. Fortunately, I've found a good reason.

Meet Sexual Reference Guy (SRG - called that because his internet handle refers to the size of another handle he has). These e-mails were traded back and forth over the course of a couple of days and prove why internet dating is popular among the sarcastic, smart-ass crowd – mainly because people in on-line dating land are really funny.

SRG: Hello how r u?

Me: I'm good. Sorry I wasn't available to IM. What are you doing today?

SRG: hey sexy im not up to much, how about you? well I did loose a bet last night with a female friend of mine...

Me: I'm just hanging out.

I saw on your profile that you list your profession as "Stripper". Where do you dance? Are you a student? Do you think of stripping as a career or as a temporary money maker?

What bet did you lose with your female friend last night and what did you have to do as a result of losing the bet?

Me? Well, last night I took some pictures of my son playing in the bathtub to show my friends and family what his new haircut looked like and to show off his new waving abilities. Then I looked at pile of clean laundry I had sitting next to me, tried to get the energy to fold it and put it away, gave up and took a trashy novel to bed with me.

The fun of being a single parent....

P.S. - What is your name?

SRG: yes I am a stripper, I do enjoy it, much fun. I do private shows like b-day and batchelorette parties...well the bet I lost was over a movie, I had to strip naked in front of her and do nude push ups at her feet... (no name given)

Me: I can't say that nude pushups sound that erotic to me. I would rather have you do something like - nude light bulb changing or nude cooking. Housework is truly erotic, especially for single Moms.

I fear that, although you are beautiful, that we will not have much in common. Sorry.

SRG: oh really huh? well maybe one day I could stop by and do some nude house work for ya and see how u like that :)(still - no name given)

Me: There is no doubt in my mind that I would like it - no - love it! In fact, you don't even need to be nude. Maybe just topless.

We should start a naked cleaning service for single Mom's. It would certainly give Merry Maids a run for their money.

Oh - and naked men doing housework in my apartment need to have a name. I can assign them one, but that seems so degrading, especially while they are waxing my kitchen floor.

SRG: Name's D. hehehe - you're really funny. I'd love to come over and try out naked housework.

Me: This is where I'm different from other women that perhaps pay to look at your body. The whole time you were cleaning, I would be wondering, "What is he getting out of this?" if you were stripping and dancing, having women shove dollar bills down your g-string, well, that's one thing - and I'm pretty sure that thing is called fun and attention.

But, naked, folding my laundry? I can't imagine that you would get much fun out of that. Leaving all issues of sexual objectification and the historical legacy of misogyny latent in the sexual trade industry for the moment, I'm not even sure how hygienic it is to clean naked. Moreover, I'm not sure that I'm ready for an indentured sex-slave in my house, whom I trade housework for sex.

I think a meaningful relationship wouldn't involve me pimping you out to other single parents that need their freezers defrosted and their leaky faucets fixed (see - our business is already expanding to include handyman and repairman).

That's all I'm asking for.

SRG: that would be perfect then, i wouldnt ask you to pay me and you wouldnt want sex. It would be a fun experience

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See? You can't get this kind of humor from reading MSN or CNBC all day long. Even after all of that, he was still willing to do it. Don't worry - I'm not actually going to have SRG come over and clean my apartment, naked or otherwise....I don't know what's funnier, though, to imagine me saying yes to that proposition or to imagine him actually doing it.

13 comments:

dee said...

Could you give him my number? I could use someone to do some housework for me and I wouldn't even care if he wanted to do it naked. Hubby might object, but it would at least get him out of having to help! That was too funny!

Pregnant In Texas said...

Dee -

I can definitely see if he's available for a gig up north of Texas. He is a Houston-boy, though, and those types don't really like to leave the state. I'll let him know that clothing is optional, though.

p said...

I have 4 roommates, a very strict house cleaning schedule, and a boyfriend--and I would pay this guy to fly out here and clean my house naked. B, you're onto something!

p said...

Omg, where would Z be while the nude man cleaned? I smell years of therapy...

HornDog said...

I've entered the blogosphere, check me out. I have a link to your blog on my blog, I hope that's OK.

xoxo HD

Stone's Throw said...

This reminds me of a friend who wants to donate her body to a ... oh shoot... what's the name of the people who want to have sex with dead people? Yeah, she wants to donate her body to one of them, but her wife won't let her. How possessive can you be? No polyamory even in death????? I say, let the man clean!!!!!!!

Kristin said...

oh my goodness... THAT is HYSTERICAL! Hey, naked guy... I have a car that needs to be washed!

Yes, this could be a $$ maker.

Anonymous said...

I'd keep him away from the bleach. That could be a disaster.

April

Jen said...

Ya know, some men just like satisfying a woman...any way they can. Maybe that's what he gets out of it. I don't think I could have a naked man in my kitchen, I'd have to go around re-cleaning everything he touched.

p said...

Naked men aren't dirty, Jen! He just couldn't be a shedding or a pooping naked man. R, your friend wants to donate her body to a necrophiliac? Ew. Ew. Ew.

jenna said...

OMG, how **dooo* you find them?!

sarcastic journalist said...

I know I'm slow today. For about half of that post, I thought YOU were listing your occupation as stripper.

by the way, my (insert family member name here) married a stripper once. He stripped his way into another family member's bed.

Never trust a stripper.

ipj said...

Oh my goodness, I loved your chat. His comments were typical of many an onliner (short, bland, not actually answering your questions) and your worries on nude housework were wonderful. You are definitely the sexier person.