Wednesday, August 09, 2006


This morning sometime, I definitely started questioning some of my choices regarding how I live my life. It isn't anything that I can put my finger on, it's just that at the end of most days, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through another.

I can hear my Mom's voice in my head telling me that I need to establish a routine and everything will be better once things settle down. My life is in a giant transition now: three more days at my old job, one week of vacation, and then starting my new employment. Nothing that I thought was solid is actually what I thought. It's like stepping off the sidewalk onto the ground, only to find out that an unseen hand has switched out the ground for something else. The announcer in the background whispers to the unseen audience in a conspiratorial tone of voice: "Now ladies and gentlemen, let's watch what happens as Ms. Not-so-Pregnant goes about what she believes is an average, ordinary day. Little does she know that we've secretly replaced every solid surface with marshmallow fluff. Let's see what happens!" Some days, the ground has turned to Jello, which is nice because I can bounce back up. Some days, it's a cloud, or worse, a gaping precipice that leaves me free-falling until the next morning.

Zac was sick yesterday with a high fever and I was home from work taking care of him. Last night, or rather this morning, the combination of illness and separation anxiety led him to only fall asleep on my chest. Anytime that I tried to put him back in his crib, or at least move him off my chest, the effort was met with pitiful howling. I laid there, rubbing his back, thinking about the last time I had listened to someone's heart beat, been comforted by a presence, or laid my worries down in another's arms as he snored softly.


TheWanderer said...

Transitions are never fun, or at least so my past experiences have told me. But that doesn't mean that that the new changes in your life, the new land your ship is charted for, will prove to be ill. It is in times like these that I remember the simple saying of one Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander: "Nothing is ever easy."

How's the little'n holding up today?

Jen said...

Send him to me immediately, overnight shipping...I'll send him back when he's healthy, I promise ;)

Sugarbread said...

I love your blog and have been reading every post faithfully since the beginning. You've inspired me to start my own. So you must be doing something right!

P said...

I have a surprise for you, just a little one. I hope it touches you in your Jell-o moments to think how many people you've reached with your blog, your baby, and just by being alive and having friends.

My sister is currently on vacation in San Francisco. Weeks ago, she came with me when I got Z's onesies at Baby Gap. She bailed for Grown-Up Gap as soon as I started cooing over little baby overalls, and I wasn't sure she even knew why I was there :) But last Friday, I got a text from her from Berkley. "I found tye-dyed onesies! What size is the baby?"

She picked up three. As soon as I see her Tuesday or Wednesday, I'll send them off to Texas! Z is going to be a rock star!