Wednesday, June 14, 2006

6/14-2

OK, the boss man and the boss man's boss man are out of the office for a little while longer. I'm feeling rebellious and there are a couple of things on my mind.

Here is the first: I have a second interview tomorrow for another job. Very excited about the possibility of working in downtown Houston. Same actual job, different job title, more pay, more flexibility. Cross your fingers, eyes, and toes.

Second: I've been thinking a lot about a moment in the hospital, right after Zac's birth. I was holding breast pump bottles after attempting to pump for 10 minutes. My parents had gone home to sleep the night before and it was early, July 9th. After a couple of minutes, all I had produced was 1-2 ounces of breast milk, which is a very, very small amount. I was trying to maneuver myself, my two IVs, and my IV pole over the sink by pushing the pole with my feet and shuffling along afterwards. I needed to wash out the breast pump parts and put lids on my milk bottles. The back of my hospital gown was wide open and I was wearing stretchy, hospital underwear that feel a lot like fishnet stockings, only shaped into grotesque panties.

When I stood up, I was clutching the bottles with my liquid gold and a rush of blood and tissue ran out of my vagina, onto the floor. The puddle of blood at my feet kept getting wider and wider until it almost covered my slippers. I didn't know what to do. I felt paralyzed. I couldn't put down the bottles, couldn't call for the nurse, and couldn't move without ripping my IV out. It was then that I heard the baby in the next room, the room with the Mom and Dad, balloons, flowers, and well-wishers. I have never felt more alone in my entire life. I stood there and cried until a nurse found me. It took two orderlies twenty minutes to clean up all the blood. I laid down in my bed and cried some more, trying frantically to call my parents, so angry that I was in a hospital, alone, even without my baby that was taken from me.

That is the memory that comes closer and closer to the surface as I get closer to Zac's birthday and he gets closer to turning one year-old.

3 comments:

dee said...

I had a moment similar to that when I was in the hospital after having my Zach. Different scenario, but I get that feeling of just feeling so alone.

On a different note, one year sure does go by fast doesn't it?

Pregnant In Texas said...

Dee - yes and no. On the one hand, my pregnancy creeeped by and this year, in contrast, has gone by so fast. One minute, Zac was nursing and the next, he is sitting up, eating sweet potatoes and constantly repeating, "Nananannananana"

On the other hand, waking up every hour and half for six months straight, with no one there to help me (sorry M & D - you just couldn't nurse for me) was an incredibly long period. I can still feel the pain of adjusting to being a Mom and learning about Zac.

jenna said...

good luck on the interview!!! i think it's the way to go.

btw, how did your evaluation with S go?