OK, the boss man and the boss man's boss man are out of the office for a little while longer. I'm feeling rebellious and there are a couple of things on my mind.
Here is the first: I have a second interview tomorrow for another job. Very excited about the possibility of working in downtown Houston. Same actual job, different job title, more pay, more flexibility. Cross your fingers, eyes, and toes.
Second: I've been thinking a lot about a moment in the hospital, right after Zac's birth. I was holding breast pump bottles after attempting to pump for 10 minutes. My parents had gone home to sleep the night before and it was early, July 9th. After a couple of minutes, all I had produced was 1-2 ounces of breast milk, which is a very, very small amount. I was trying to maneuver myself, my two IVs, and my IV pole over the sink by pushing the pole with my feet and shuffling along afterwards. I needed to wash out the breast pump parts and put lids on my milk bottles. The back of my hospital gown was wide open and I was wearing stretchy, hospital underwear that feel a lot like fishnet stockings, only shaped into grotesque panties.
When I stood up, I was clutching the bottles with my liquid gold and a rush of blood and tissue ran out of my vagina, onto the floor. The puddle of blood at my feet kept getting wider and wider until it almost covered my slippers. I didn't know what to do. I felt paralyzed. I couldn't put down the bottles, couldn't call for the nurse, and couldn't move without ripping my IV out. It was then that I heard the baby in the next room, the room with the Mom and Dad, balloons, flowers, and well-wishers. I have never felt more alone in my entire life. I stood there and cried until a nurse found me. It took two orderlies twenty minutes to clean up all the blood. I laid down in my bed and cried some more, trying frantically to call my parents, so angry that I was in a hospital, alone, even without my baby that was taken from me.
That is the memory that comes closer and closer to the surface as I get closer to Zac's birthday and he gets closer to turning one year-old.