Tuesday, April 04, 2006

4/04

So, lately when I've talked to my friends on the phone or over e-mail, I've been getting, "Oh my God! Really!! You didn't even mention that on your blog," which makes me wonder if I should stop communicating with all my friends, or stop writing on the blog.

Clearly, the blog posts are slowing down as Zac is speeding up. He is scooting across the floor on his elbows, dragging his legs behind him. If I had to gauge his speed, I would say it was somewhere between a three-legged dog and turtle, until he sees cat food. My child loves nothing more than putting his whole hand in cat food and scooping up five or six pieces to thrust in his open mouth. I know when he's trying to sneak over to the cat food bowl when he suddenly goes quiet. He's going after cat litter when he shrieks with joy. Lately I've been contemplating fencing him in in the middle of the living room so I can make dinner without wondering which orafice he's going to try to put something.

The big news is that I moved all of the major pieces of furniture this weekend into my new apartment in north H-town. I signed the lease and put down the deposit back in March and somewhere along the way, I neglected to post on here that I was preparing for the big move out on my own. S. and two of his friends, all with pick-up trucks, came over on Saturday to help me move my furniture. Is it odd that not only S., but his two closest friends would have pick-up trucks? I guess it's only odd in places other than Texas.

After four very hot hours, we finished the move and went out to sit in air conditioning and drink beer. I should be more grateful that these large men, who I barely know, came over to help me dissemble my son's crib and carry a very heavy, old dresser.

Things with S. are going....well, they're going. I would say good, except that we had a long conversation last night about "our relationship". I would normally rather chew nails than talk about "our relationship", but a few of the more aggressive people in his life had really been getting under my skin lately: primarily hordes of needy women. Literally, his phone rings off the hook. If he doesn't answer his cell, they'll call his house phone and keep calling until he picks it up. If someone did that to me, I'd answer the phone with a growl and an expletive, if I even answered the phone at all. He doesn't seem to see a problem with this behavior, nor does he seem to see a problem that he and his ex are taking a "break" from friendship (they broke up six months ago).

I'm afraid to care about him. Afraid to get involved with someone that has emotionally shady people in their life and, although I'm inherently trusting, I'm afraid to trust someone. Will I ever fully trust someone again? I feel like the FOB broke me.


P.S. - The lack of comments have really hurt lately. I didn't want people to stop commenting, just to respect that I didn't want my name up here. I LIKE hearing from those who read this piece of myself.

12 comments:

Ali said...

Hey there!
Congrats on the new apartment. You can do it and you will feel so free to be out from the parents. Believe me, I know! Good for you!

And you will be able to trust someone again. It takes time. All that you are worried about with S makes perfect sense. You HAVE to protect yourself and be choosey, there is NOTHING wrong with that. Especially to protect that cute little boy of yours. It hasn't been that long since the breakup anyway, even though to you it make seem like ages. Give yourself time.

I have been dating for the last 4 years, taking breaks from the freaks here and there. And finally, I found a guy that was so worth the wait. Who knows what will happen with us, but to know that there is a guy that can make me feel this way, after freaking 4 years of wondering if I ever could again, well, it is nice to know. And if I can feel this way, anyone can feel this way.

Hang in there and don't feel bad for protecting yourself. Don't try to talk yourself into allowing certain behaviors to be ok. You deserve to be happy and with someone that fits what you want.

Alison

Melanie said...

Woo hoo! You're back! I was starting to wonder if I should send a truckload of antibiotics down your way. Um, more about this S, perhaps? And more about the new apt? Might we be lucky enough for a picture or two? And what about Zac? We want to see cat food-in-mouth candid shots for our amusement, for the love of all things holy!

FR said...

tis a strange phenomena, the blog. my friend at www.shenaaz.com (check it out) ended hers just yesterday because of precicely the same questions - boundaries, vulnerability, and the fact that while it IS a way for people to keep up on your life... how much of it is just a stream of consciousness? why the pressure to "keep up" the blog? how much sharing is the right amount?

for me, it's always a welcome relief to see that you've posted something... i check your site daily and as a way to feel close to you and be aware of what you're experiencing. it makes me feel company (in an albeit distant way). all this to say that i *do* think your call for comments is just- it's always sad for me to feel like i've just put my whole heart out in the world and to hear nothing but silence back.

so here i pledge to reinvent blogging as a two-way street - i'll be a more active "commenter" in your life so it's more like we're having a conversation, and i'm not some kind of blog-voyeur ;)

congrats on your new apartment.
xoxo,
fr

Anonymous said...

B--
Yay! A MOBILE and TALKING Zac! I'm so glad to hear the good news. I'll have to ask Zac about catfood when I finally meet him. I'm curious. It does sometimes look appealing in that greasy kind of way. I just haven't been willing to give up vegetarianism to sample it. Zac is more in-touch with those deep impulses than I am. The things adults have to learn...
Have a beautiful spring!
Minneapolis

PS: My cat also appears to get off on fabrics.

Jen said...

You're not broken, just scared. Don't worry about it, when the time and the person are right, it won't be a problem. Until then, have a good time and RELAX!! xxx ps - nobody comments on my blog either :)

jenna said...

hi hi hi!! glad to have you back!!
yeah, i stopped commenting when i did so twice and they never showed up - even tho i'm like 90% sure i didn't use your name.
then when you didn't post for awhile i guess i just thought maybe you weren't checking it.
but alls well that ends well - i'm glad you said something, and now you'll have to deal with my annoying comments all the time!!
(and for the record, no one EVER comments on my blog. not that i update it very much).
did you get my emails about this weekend?? let me know about sat night-
love!

mynewshoes said...

I TRIED to post a comment a week or two ago (something about vitamins and hand-washing) but it said you had to approve it, then it never showed up. Is it because you didn't approve, or because you never saw it? Will this comment show up? I don't know who to trust anymore.

mynewshoes said...

AHHHH!!!! I'm freaking out!!!! I just clicked on the link that I thought was me on your blog, and it took me to some stranger's blog...something about TIVO. I don't even get basic TV channels. I have to go to my friend's house just to watch ANTM.

annab said...

dearest bryana,
i read your blog all the time, and i never comment. i'm sorry. you are such a good writer, a good mom, and a good friend. i promise to comment frequently.
love,
ab

annab said...

dearest bryana,
i read your blog all the time, and i never comment. i'm sorry. you are such a good writer, a good mom, and a good friend. i promise to comment frequently.
love,
ab

Nancy said...

If it feels hinky, protect yourself. Often your subconsious knows something you're trying to ignore.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on the baby boy!
He is soooo cute and adorable. I'm also a mom in Texas. You're a courageous woman - raising a baby alone. I'm having a dilemma myself with my partner- deciding whether to stay with her abusive father or being alone. I wish I had enough courage to do it. Well, if I had a choice to do it again, I'll remember to choose wisely next time. So my tiny piece of advice - be very selective who's going to be your next mate. Because that person may not only hurt you, but your baby boy too.
Sincerely , Sad Angel