Friday, April 21, 2006

4-21

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I have some...well...self esteem issues. When I was pregnant, I would readily call myself a giant whale with a large fetus inside my swollen uterus, supported by 2 x4s that used to be ankles. Now that I'm not pregnant, and the Z man is healthy and happy, I try to be kinder to my body. I mean, it created life. I don't want to take that for granted. I know that I will never have perky breasts (I never did to begin with) and I know that the stretch marks over 75% over my body won't go away anytime soon, or really ever.

On most days, I'm ok with that. As I'm getting older, I'm getting more comfortable with myself: my sarcasm, humor, bluntness, and ability to love those that are important to me. Conversely, as I'm getting older, I'm getting more and more uncomfortable with my weight. Everyone told me that I if it took nine months to get that big, then it would take nine months to take the weight off. Well, it's been nine months and I'm not back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, most of which I don't even own anymore because I had to buy new clothes to wear to work.

I also saw this picture, which made me cringe.


This was taken last weekend when Ms. 110% and Melissa were in town for a wedding. Now, I get it, I have really skinny, feminine friends that anyone would look big in comparison. HOWEVER, I am not comfortable being this weight. I'm afraid to look in the mirror before I get in the shower and I'll step into my bedroom to avoid catching a glimpse at myself while putting on lotion.

I fantasize about having this surgery and losing 60 pounds, although since I'm not 100 pounds overweight, I don't qualify. I probably don't have to tell you that there are dark days where I've thought that since I'm so good at gaining weight, I could easily gain 30 or 40 more pounds and have my health insurance cover the surgery. Then I get real. I don't want to do that.

I do want to take steps to get control over my eating habits and my weight. I joined the cult also known as Weight Watchers. I've been to two meetings, with Zac babbling at the top of his little lungs during the second. I've started counting points and I've lost 1.8 lbs so far. It's a start.

I've never wanted to turn this blog into a "weight loss" blog because people complaining about their weight is only interesting for so long, which isn't very long at all. I'm sharing this part of myself with you all, though, because I'm asking for your support along this journey. Now, pardon me, while I go shred some carrots for today's lunch.

7 comments:

doow said...

Good luck with Weight Watchers. And I just wanted to say that the bit in the parantheses in the first paragraph made me feel better about myself :-)

FR said...

as someone who is learning in profound new ways about the experience of someone being unable to see the self they want to see in the mirror, i send you love and a commitment to stand by you through your journey. it takes a lot of grounding and self-awareness to have such clarity about your inner truth, and i respect the ways in which you're choosing to honor it.

Jen said...

Bah - don't let pictures discourage you, there's always an angle that can make you look bad no matter what you weigh. My suggestion is to find one thing on your body that you can really, honestly like right now and remind yourself that at least you like "x" and add parts as you can. I'm sure you'll always hate something, but just keep working on adding to the like list. Helps me most days. xxx

wildflower said...

You may be feeling bad now, but I remember the B who used to do double workouts for the crew team and who stopped being able to fit into cutesy shirts from the gap because her biceps were so ripped. That was freakin' awesome! Good luck on your new weight loss goal. go to as many meetings as you to in order to feel as beautiful as I know you are.

jenna said...

1. good luck, and if you need any WW stuff let me know and i'll totally mail you shit so you don't have to buy it all
2. journal, journal, journal. it's how i lost 70 pounds. journal even on the ba days.
3. don't get diet obsessed. it's how i lost 70 pounds and became anorexic.
4. you are such a beautiful person it's not even funny.
5. if it makes you feel any better, i about laughed out loud when i read that you think i am "skinny"! are you f-ing kidding me? i can't stand my flabby ass, out of shape, feels totally fat, body.

sigh. when we will all just learn to love ourselves as god is choosing to make us right now.

love,
j

p said...

I second Christini's emotion. Everything she said. Ditto X 10. And best of luck to you!

Anonymous said...

I just want you to know that you are not alone. I am 32 now and I feel the same way about my body. I have stretch marks on my thighs and my breasts, my arms are flabby...I just get really depressed. Sometimes I feel guilty, like i'm letting myself down, and sometimes I even worry I'm letting my husband down. Hang in there and good luck with your diet. Remember, we are still the same people on the inside as we were when we were skinny. The body is really just a package and decline is inevitable!