If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I have some...well...self esteem issues. When I was pregnant, I would readily call myself a giant whale with a large fetus inside my swollen uterus, supported by 2 x4s that used to be ankles. Now that I'm not pregnant, and the Z man is healthy and happy, I try to be kinder to my body. I mean, it created life. I don't want to take that for granted. I know that I will never have perky breasts (I never did to begin with) and I know that the stretch marks over 75% over my body won't go away anytime soon, or really ever.
On most days, I'm ok with that. As I'm getting older, I'm getting more comfortable with myself: my sarcasm, humor, bluntness, and ability to love those that are important to me. Conversely, as I'm getting older, I'm getting more and more uncomfortable with my weight. Everyone told me that I if it took nine months to get that big, then it would take nine months to take the weight off. Well, it's been nine months and I'm not back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, most of which I don't even own anymore because I had to buy new clothes to wear to work.
I also saw this picture, which made me cringe.
This was taken last weekend when Ms. 110% and Melissa were in town for a wedding. Now, I get it, I have really skinny, feminine friends that anyone would look big in comparison. HOWEVER, I am not comfortable being this weight. I'm afraid to look in the mirror before I get in the shower and I'll step into my bedroom to avoid catching a glimpse at myself while putting on lotion.
I fantasize about having this surgery and losing 60 pounds, although since I'm not 100 pounds overweight, I don't qualify. I probably don't have to tell you that there are dark days where I've thought that since I'm so good at gaining weight, I could easily gain 30 or 40 more pounds and have my health insurance cover the surgery. Then I get real. I don't want to do that.
I do want to take steps to get control over my eating habits and my weight. I joined the cult also known as Weight Watchers. I've been to two meetings, with Zac babbling at the top of his little lungs during the second. I've started counting points and I've lost 1.8 lbs so far. It's a start.
I've never wanted to turn this blog into a "weight loss" blog because people complaining about their weight is only interesting for so long, which isn't very long at all. I'm sharing this part of myself with you all, though, because I'm asking for your support along this journey. Now, pardon me, while I go shred some carrots for today's lunch.