Thursday, December 28, 2006


In between my three hour naps and pumpkin pie-filled afternoons, I had a lot of time to reflect about how I'm currently living my life.

All and all, I like myself. I'm kind to others, good to my son, treat animals with compassion, and enjoy most home improvement projects.

With the wonderful gift of a digital camera for my birthday and the knowledge that Christmas would be spent in a haze of flash bulbs and phrases like, "Get Zac to turn this way. I can't see what he's holding!" and, "Why is it that this kid always smiles after I've taken the picture?" I started thinking about my relationship to the camera. Much like every other person that has gained and lost weight, I shy away from group photos and rarely let someone capture a candid shot of me. When potential internet daters ask to see more pictures of me, they end up getting photo after photo of Zac smiling up at camera with my arm around him or the reassurance that, "I'm the person in the back. You can see my foot between those big columns."

I got dressed up for Christmas Eve and decided that Zac and I were going to pose for some pictures together. My Dad took this shot:

I love it because if you were to visit Zac and I on any given day, that's what you would see. You would see a little boy playing with his Mom's necklace and his Mom smiling at him.

What I don't love is the woman in the photo. By not looking at pictures of myself, I can somehow convince myself that the weight loss hasn't really stopped. That I haven't really regained 10 of the 15 pounds I lost. That somehow I don't mind being the weight that I am.

Here is the truth, though: I do mind. I feel tired and lethargic most days. I haven't had much success with "changing my eating patterns" or stopping when I feel full. I will just eat and eat until I feel sick.

I want to feel better about myself. I want to feel healthy, centered, and content. These past two days have shown me what it's like to take care of myself, again. I've flossed more this week than I have in the past year. It isn't Zac's absence that I want to celebrate, it's his presence. I want to be around to see this guy grow up and I need to find a way to balance his needs with mine:


Dee said...

Love the pictures!

I completely understand your struggles as I feel the same way about photos of me. That's why most pictures of me are of my face only. I try to tell myself that it is the beauty inside that makes us beautiful outside. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

thordora said...

I've slowly grown to accept my body, which I have to do, since most of my weight is related to my mood disorder, and it's hard to sustain any type of weight loss. Although a simple switch to diet sodas and drinking more water has helped me keep what I lost i nthe summer off and lose a few more without effort.

Make small changes you won't see, and don't expect miracles. I want a miracle, but I also realize how long it took for me to gain these bad habits.

Mostly, I've found that my children have helped me accept my body for what it is, after what I did. And I'm in good shape for a fatty, I just come from fatties.

It's important you find your comfort zone, and work towards it. It's hard, believe me.

Melanie Marie said...

This post made me cry.

It's like you crawled inside my head!

Thank you.

karrie said...

I love the print on your dress and the Santa-hat shot is classic.

Weightloss is difficult. I've always been a "big girl" and I have to really bust ass to see even small changes.