Mantra for the day, "I am not a bad person. I am not a bad person. I am not a bad person."
I have that sinking feeling in my stomach. You know the one. The one that makes you want to jump out of your skin and scream. Occasionally, this feeling paralyzes me to my office chair (it's interesting to note that this feeling usually coincides with work). I can't move for fear of making the feeling worse.
I am not a bad person. I am not a bad person.
I went in to talk to my boss about several comments that were made to me yesterday. Basically, I get reminded at least once or twice a week that I am not director or a supervisor and my worth to the organization is directly contingent upon that. When I started this job, they had reorganized the position so I now directly report to a director, instead of the executive. I am always going into talk to my boss about things. I'm too sensitive. I expect too much. God, I'm only 25, but I feel like I deserve so much more because I have a college degree and a brain. I'm ridiculous.
I am not a bad person. I am not a bad person. I will not get fired for asking not to be treated like an administrative assistant. Yes, there are a lot of grant writers who could do my job (not to mention trained monkeys). I am not a bad person. I am a valuable employee. They might fire me, but that doesn't make me a bad person.
I asked for financial help yesterday. Help was promised with the understanding that I should never ask for help again. It was also told to me that I should feel bad for asking for help. I had overextended myself, which makes me, understandably feel bad. Or at least it should.
I go back and forth between thinking, "I am a miserable excuse for an adult," and, "I'm a burden on my friends and family," to thinking, "Everyone needs help sometimes. It's going to be ok." with the constant thought in the back of my mind that screams, "Life shouldn't be this hard!"
The worst thought crossed my mind as I was trying to go to sleep last night: one day, Zac will feel like this and there is nothing I can do to stop that. One day, he will question every decision he has ever made and doubt his self-worth. No amount of parenting can change that. The little baby that loves nothing more than kisses from his mama and golf balls will turn into an adult.
I am not a bad person. I am not a bad person. I am not a bad person.