Friday, February 03, 2006

2/3

*Note to readers - All comments that use my first name will be removed from public viewing. If you know me outside of this blog, please e-mail me if you would like to make a more personal and confidential comment*

Well, as I was driving to work today, I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. I wanted to keep driving until I got somewhere without traffic, where I could forget about the person I am, or the life that I'm leading. The only hard part about escaping is that once you are there, well, you turn around and there you are. All of your problems, insecurities, and fears follow you wherever you manage to be. I wouldn't mind being somewhere else, though. At least my neuroses could look at something other than the back of a SUV or yet another concrete road divided by a yellow line. I miss seeing trees and experiencing the thrill of looking forward to something other than crushing disappointment.

One of the comments that I had to remove from a previous entry mentioned my "confidence and strength from afar". My perceived confidence and inner strength has always masked my true fears about myself and my place in the world. I use it as a way to push people away and keep them from seeing how vulnerable I feel. I'm afraid of everything, but instead of letting my fear stop me from making the same mistakes over and over, I ignore it and keep jumping off the bridge, thinking this time, just maybe, I can actually fly.

1 comment:

p said...

B,
Allow me to burst your lonely bubble: that's how everyone feels! Show me the truly confident person who never experiences a moment of doubt or insecurity, whose perceived confidence isn't a mask for worry and fear, and I'll show you an arrogant asshole. When you never listen to your doubting voice, you end up thinking you're right all the time and you don't leave any room for admitting when you're wrong. Forget growth. If you need an example, see George W. Bush.

When you listen to your doubting voice too much, you end up insecure and miserable, of course, which is why we have to put on this happy face of self-esteem and inner fortitude. I think it takes more strength to keep doing it, and it's no less valid for being see-through in parts. Keep on keeping on, B.

xoxox
-P