Sunday, October 16, 2005


So, Zac is asleep and I'm waiting for my sheets to get out of the dryer, perfect time to blog if I didn't have such conflicted emotions right now. I very purposefully haven't written much about the FOB since Zac's birth because there hasn't been anything to tell. He doesn't care. End of story.

I've talked to the FOB maybe a half a dozen times since the birth of his son because most of the time his roommates screen his calls so I automatically go to voicemail. Cute, huh? The father of my baby won't take my calls...even when I'm calling to tell him things like, "I have a temperature of a 103 and I'm going to the emergency room," or "Zac and I are fleeing a Category 4 hurricane".

Tomorrow I have a child support negotiation conference. I'm nervous, angry, and sad - all at once. The FOB has the right to particpate via telephone, but I have to go to the building and show them Zac's social security card and what not. Now the funny thing about this conference is that the FOB might not even pick up the phone. I may have to make the trip for nothing other than to say I was there. Even if he does answer the phone when the Review Officer from the Texas Attorney General's Office calls, what do I really think I'm going to get tomorrow, except legally codified broken promises? Will we really reach an agreement regarding retroactive child support? The parentage of the child? Current child support payments?

What child support payments?

The man that got me pregnant almost exactly a year ago has never given me anything since I found out I was pregnant with his child. Nothing. He wouldn't even stop drinking long enough to watch the U-Haul trailer roll down the driveway as I moved out. He was at a party in Concord that day and he needed to be with his friends because he was "so upset" about me "taking the baby". Fuck that. Getting wasted has always been more important to him than taking care of me or his child.

Even if I get awarded $5,000, $1,000, $500, or even just $100 worth of retroactive child support, I might as well get a swift kick in the ass because you can't take words to the bank. Would I sound too negative if I say that he will never pay? Well, I guess I am negative then. But I know that you can't diaper a baby with a promise. You can't feed a baby guilt and regret and you can't encourage a baby to burp up responsibility.

The worst, absolute worst thing about this that I find myself missing him sometimes. I missed the way he looked and I miss the fact that I can't compare him to my son and see if they have the same nose or same hairline. My anger, pity, and pride can't keep me from caring. Even if it's just a little. Even if it is just for the man that has screwed me over every chance he has gotten.

I should get a swift kick in the ass.


Nancy said...

If the state orders him to pay child support, they will do somethings to ensure that it is paid, including garnishing his wages. They can make it very uncomfortable for him not to pay.

The downside to this, is that some a**es think that this money gives them the right to harrass you. Which it does not.

You can't make him care, but perhaps someday he'll grow up enough to realize what he's missed. It does happen.

jenna said...

thanks for blogging about this. i hope it helped to get it out. of course it's easy for all of us to say "fuck him! why do you even bother trying to get in touch with hinm? he doesn't deserve to know where you are during the hurricane!" but i still validate your feelings for him - however conflicted they may be.
just know we love you, and that are and will continue to be a great mother and you are all zac needs.

Anonymous said...

So, did he show? Sometimes it is a bad thing to live where I could track him down... Sending you big ((hugs)) instead of a kick in the rear today.
Aunt Jen

Pregnant In Texas said...

Thanks, Aunt Jen. I love you!

FR said...

b, i think there are a lot of us in the world who have (seemingly irrational) love and care for people in our lives who just aren't very good to us. i appreciate your bravery in your willingness to say, own, and not apologize for your feelings. thank you for the truths you tell on behalf of your own heart your love for zac. your words certainly challenge me to claim my own truths as well.