7-23

The house has gone officially BABY CRAZY!!! My Dad and I picked up my maternal Grandma from the airport yesterday and I swear that if I didn't have to feed my child, I wouldn't see him. My Dad has been hiding out in his bedroom and Zac is in the arms of two women that coo, smile, play, and volunteer to hold him for hours. My child's head has barely touched his cradle since his Great Grandma came into town.

All this leaves me feeling emotionally isolated. I've been having a hard time expressing these thoughts to any one person (what would they think of me? Would it make me a bad mother? A bad woman? A bad friend if I admitted that I'm feeling overwhelmed? After all, didn't I "ask" for this by taking the pregnancy to term?), so I've decided to share them with everyone in this semi-anonymous format. This is a tough post to write because I do know some of the people that read my blog. It's through my fear of judgement that I write instead of talk.

I know now why women blame themselves for not bonding with their baby fast enough (what is fast enough? There is so much pressure and anxiety involved with bonding that I can't even get around my own insecurities long enough to bond with him. Even as I learn what his physical needs are, he still feels unknown). Why there is so much guilt and fear involved in mothering. It's like, "If playing with him comes so naturally to other people, why can't it come naturally to me?" Why am I so worried about his (and my) future and not enjoying his present? Well, there is that sticky issue of money, lack of financial security, and lack of a life partner to help me share the responsibilities of raising a child and surround me in their arms when life is feeling too hard.

Rationally, I can see that Grandmothers and Great Grandmothers are released from this guilt: they just enjoy children and babies for being children and babies. They have raised their children and have seen the other side of mothering. The side where their children become independent and start raising children of their own. They have felt the pride at accomplishments and the swell of unexpected love when they smile.

I guess I have to wait it out and not expect to feel, know, and cherish every moment. Sleeping more might help.

No comments on this one. It is too close to home.