Tuesday, March 22, 2005


There is a part of pregnancy that no one told me about. Well, two parts really if you include the whole pooping during labor part. I'm talking about constantly spilling things on myself. I don't think that I'm anymore clumsy than I've always been, but somehow I go to work every morning with at least a couple drops of milk or glob of toothpaste on my belly. My BELLY, folks! When is the last time you spilled something and it landed on your stomach? Yeah, I think I was three the last time it happened to me, too. With my stomach sticking out a good four inches past my breasts, liquids and solids that would just normally sail down the front of my body and land on my toes now stop squarely between my boobs and my belly button. It's embarassing. In restaurants I want to explain: "Oh, no. It's completely normal during pregnancy to have food all over the front of you. You know, I am eating for two. He likes to get some of his food subdermally."

I have officially stoppped being able to see my private parts. I went looking the other day, but I couldn't crane my neck far enough out to actually see where the baby would come out. (Hi, Dad! Sorry I'm talking about my vagina on the internet! I'm looking forward to Sex in the City tonight.) I've tried to stay true to the nature of pregnancy: it involves vaginas, periniums, placentas, enemas, foreceps and sometimes even speculums. Having both of my parents, my sister, and several exes read this blog makes me a little shy, however. Fortunately for all of you that I don't know in "real life", or for those that do know me in "real life" and have heard me talk about such matters, I've decided to not censor myself. While I'm not about to call my vagina a "cooter" (sorry SJ) I will not deny its vital existence in this pregnancy and motherhood process. Yesterday, I stopped being able to see it. I will miss you, old friend. The good news is is that in about 16 weeks more people will look at my vagina than I've ever imagined. Ahhh....motherhood. Guess I should make sure that my Mom brings the digital camera.


sci muser said...

reminds me of the time i wore a wonderbra to a formal--i glopped salsa and crab rangoon all over my "breasts." this bra had so much padding that if someone felt me up, i couldn't feel a thing--i made people try. at least you have a good excuse for your mess--peanut's growing there. i, on the otherhand, just wanted to make my boobs look big--although the salsa stain *did* accentuate them, i suppose.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Elana, I can imagine you making people try. I was just thinking about the time that we killed mosquitos in our room in Darkhan for the better part of a hour with old Newsweeks.

I wish I could have seen you with your salsa stain. I currently have a large smear of toothpaste on my shirt that I tried to wash off with some water (why is it that toothpaste on clothing is impervious to water?). Very professional.